Five steps to lasting beauty

(Oprah.com) -- Most of my clients don't realize that the way they look and the way they think about their looks are two separate issues. Most strive for physical beauty without directly addressing the second concept, assuming that once they "fix" themselves, they'll be filled with peace and self-esteem.

But reshaping their appearance is never enough because although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, the feeling of being beautiful exists solely in the mind of the beheld. I want you to have that feeling. But getting it requires a few important internal changes.

The cold, hard facts

Self-improvement books, friends and polite strangers often tell soothing lies about our physical appearance that prevent many of us from facing, discussing and solving our real problems. So let's get a few things straight right now.

Fact: Not everyone is equally good-looking. I've attended many a self-help seminar where everyone pretends that the 400-pound acne sufferer is as physically appealing -- and has as easy a life -- as the swimsuit model sitting next to her.

Right.

Fact: Good-looking individuals are treated better than homely ones in virtually every social situation, from dating to trial by jury. If everyday experience hasn't convinced you of this, there's research that will.

Fact: Beauty is not wholly defined by culture. Yes, there are fads -- tiny, crippled feet, huge boobs on skinny bodies -- but some elements of beauty are almost timeless.

In all cultures, people judged beautiful have bodies that exhibit the divine proportion, or golden ratio, of 1 to 1.618. In beautiful humans, the golden ratio turns up all over: in the distance between the eyes relative to the length of the lower face, the height of a front tooth relative to the width of both front teeth, the length of the arms relative to body height.

Attractive people are also very symmetrical -- in fact, the more symmetrical a creature is, the more likely it is to attract mates.

Now that we're clear about the challenges of not being mistaken for a supermodel, I'd like to speak to those readers who feel their appearance is not perfect.

If you're absolutely satisfied with your features, skip to the end of this column. Okay, now that we've gotten rid of her, the rest of us may want to try the following advice:

Get any makeover you believe will help

As a life coach, I love makeovers, from new clothes to surgery, pedicures to highlights. But redoing makes you feel better only if approached with the right attitude. I asked a number of stylists, personal trainers, and plastic surgeons about the mind-set that leads to successful makeovers. They agreed on these points:

• Do it for you and only you. Make sure you want the makeover and that those changes will bring you closer to your definition of beauty -- not someone else's.

• Realize that a makeover won't take unless you already know how to sustain self-esteem. If you hate yourself, you'll find a way to hate your new look.

• Accept that you'll always look like you. Even plastic surgery will leave you looking basically like yourself.

• Don't expect the makeover to fix your life. "Some patients think looking better will automatically bring love and success," one doctor said. "When it doesn't, they blame the surgeon or go in for more procedures."

If you can follow those suggestions, jump on the makeover bandwagon. It'll give you a boost, not because you'll necessarily look better (though you might) but because you'll probably believe you look better.

Change your story

Most people run a nonstop mental monologue highlighting their physical shortcomings while ignoring their pleasing attributes. For the rest of this day, each time you mentally criticize something about your face or body, you must also find something to praise. You don't have to believe the praise, just force yourself to say it. Self-talk has a subtle but profound effect on your demeanor and presentation of self. It paves the way for the next strategy.

Change your comparisons

Once you've made room for a little positive inner dialogue, put your rational mind to work accepting your appearance. In particular, stop evaluating yourself in comparison to the "50 Most Beautiful People" lists in magazines. Such comparisons make no statistical sense. If you come in at 51, beating out 7 billion people, you'll still consider yourself a loser.

Instead, consider that fairy-tale heroines, invariably described as the "most beautiful maiden in the kingdom," lived in teensy prehistoric kingdoms, some of which boasted as few as 150 citizens. Only 75 would've been female, and many of those were too old, young or experienced to be considered maidens. In other words, Snow White was competing with about 35 other chicks.

Next time you're at the mall, instead of comparing yourself to Gap posters, count 35 women at random. Ask yourself how many of them you'd really, truly want to see in your own mirror. Most of us are in the great big relatively attractive middle. Now doesn't that feel better?

Become glamorous

If you're struggling with appearance issues, think of someone whose beauty you admire. For five minutes, be this person. If you really get into the role, you'll find that people begin to respond to you differently. This can create a sort of enchantment -- the original meaning of the word glamour, by the way -- no matter what the enchantress actually looks like.

Be shameless

The longing to be beautiful is fundamentally a longing to be free from shame. If you can't do this by getting a makeover, contradicting your inner critic, creating a more logical worldview, or acting "as if ...," you might as well attack shame directly. How? Open up. Find someone you trust, and start talking about your appearance, about how it makes you feel, no-holds-barred. This isn't an opportunity to fish for insincere compliments but simply to let another into your real experience.

The ugliness in the mind of the beheld can't help yielding to the beauty in the eye of the beholder. Be your most open self, then gaze deeply and honestly into the eyes of anyone who really sees you, and the same alchemical magic will begin to happen.

As you consider these instructions, from ridiculous makeover strategies to sublime truthfulness, you'll begin to see everything and everyone very differently. You may develop your own list of the world's 50 most beautiful: famous folks like Mother Teresa or Desmond Tutu; relative unknowns like your best friend or your grandma; and last but not least, yourself.

Take whatever action makes you happy about your appearance, but know that being unapologetically yourself will make you more attractive no matter what. You'll get everything you once thought good looks could buy: acceptance, intimacy, connection, confidence, joy. Trust me, it will be beautiful.

By Martha Beck from "O, The Oprah Magazine," April 2005

Subscribe to O, The Oprah Magazine for up to 75% off the newsstand price. That's like getting 18 issues FREE. Subscribe now!

TM & © 2008 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.