Skip to main content
Part of complete coverage from

Time to protect America from zombies!

By Dean Obeidallah, Special to CNN
updated 7:47 PM EST, Mon February 18, 2013
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • Canadian politicians said Canada will not tolerate an influx of zombies
  • Dean Obeidallah: America needs to wake up and get ready for the growing zombie threat
  • Zombies far outlive humans, so they will be a great drain on Medicare, he writes
  • He says we can't allow zombie amnesty and give zombies an easier path to citizenship

Editor's note: Dean Obeidallah, a former attorney, is a political comedian and frequent commentator on various TV networks including CNN. He is the editor of the politics blog "The Dean's Report" and co-director of the upcoming documentary, "The Muslims Are Coming!" Follow him on Twitter: @deanofcomedy.

(CNN) -- While America slept -- or at least while the left ate their organic ostrich burgers, drank their jackfruit-guava-flavored vitamin water and tweeted "cleverly" about Marco Rubio's "Watergate" -- Canada was preparing to counter a growing threat to the nation.

Patriotic members of the Canadian Parliament stood up to political correctness last week by declaring that Canada will not tolerate an influx of zombies. Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird even went as far as to boldly state that "Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever."

Of course, the lamestream media didn't cover this story. They prefer you worry about things like meteors and cruise ships instead of a growing zombie threat.

Dean Obeidallah
Dean Obeidallah

But it's time for Americans to wake up! Canada's zombie preparedness means one thing for us: Zombies will be driven out of Canada and into the United States. And once they are here, good luck getting them out of the country.

'The Walking Dead': Five explosive moments

Sure, some will argue that we can make conditions so tough for zombies that they will self-deport. But I'm not buying it. Why? A few reasons. One, zombies have no sense of direction. Sure, you can point zombies in the direction of Canada and hope they keep walking as a pack over the border, but they're easily distracted.

Become a fan of CNNOpinion
Stay up to date on the latest opinion, analysis and conversations through social media. Join us at Facebook/CNNOpinion and follow us @CNNOpinion on Twitter. We welcome your ideas and comments.



Second, Americans are fatter than Canadians, which means we are more appealing for zombies to eat than our slimmer northern neighbors.

Third, and most important, America is the greatest country in the world, so why would a zombie want to live anywhere else?!

I know some will dismiss me as an alarmist, but I wonder how you will feel when one these zombies steals your job.

Sure, zombie expert Max Brooks, author of the books "The Zombie Survival Guide" and "World War Z," informed me that zombies can't be trained to take our jobs. But I have two things to say about Brooks.

One, he's part of the liberal Hollywood elite who tries to sell us on the notion that zombies aren't a threat to our nation's exceptionalism. Check out the recent Hollywood film "Warm Bodies," which is a romantic comedy about a girl falling in love with a zombie. Sorry, Max and Hollywood: Zombies don't need a hug; they need a swift kick out of our country.

Hackers blast 'dead bodies rising' on TV
Why have an obsession with zombies?
CNN Trends: Zombies get ratings, warning

What it takes to make a 'Walking Dead' zombie

Second, just because zombies aren't skilled enough to take our jobs today, what about in the future? The zombie virus could mutate, and before you know it, some undead person is doing your job for half the pay. I, for one, don't want to tell a red-blooded American human kid that his dream of being of a dog-walker is over because some zombie learned how to hold a leash.

Plus, keep in mind that if even only a few zombies make it over the border, these "anchor zombies" will create more and more zombies. This is a threat to our very existence. I'm not just talking the danger of them eating our brains, which could happen. I'm talking about the greater risk they pose to our federal deficit because they will want handouts from our government.

It's just a matter of time until Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York or House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says zombies should receive government benefits. How long after that do you think it will be until these people argue that zombies should be covered under Obamacare?! Keep in mind that zombies far outlive humans, so they will be a great drain on Medicare.

Why zombies, robots, clowns freak us out

And we all know where this is all ultimately leading. Two words: zombie amnesty. The living dead will then have an easier path to citizenship than the living.

Brooks and I did agree that we need the federal government to respond to the dangers posed by an influx of zombies. (While I'm usually against new government programs, I do support any that will benefit me directly.)

But Brooks, in typical liberal fashion, advocates a coordinated global response to the zombie threat. Nice try, Max, but that's just another ploy by you and your elitist friends to get us to give up control of our nation to the United Nations. Not on my watch, buddy.

I see these zombies for what they truly are: un-American. They don't speak English, they don't share our values, and they eat human beings. Plus, they're probably all liberals. After all, you can't be pro-life if you eat people.

I hope my fellow Americans wake up before it's too late. We need to secure our borders now before we talk about allowing any zombie reform legislation allowing them to enter or remain in our country. If not, then I hope the Rosetta Stone starts teaching us how to speak zombie, because we are all going to need it.

Follow us on Twitter @CNNOpinion.

Join us on Facebook/CNNOpinion.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Dean Obeidallah.

ADVERTISEMENT
Part of complete coverage on
updated 5:22 AM EST, Fri December 19, 2014
President Obama has been flexing his executive muscles lately despite Democrat's losses, writes Gloria Borger
updated 2:51 PM EST, Thu December 18, 2014
Jeff Yang says the film industry's surrender will have lasting implications.
updated 4:13 PM EST, Thu December 18, 2014
Newt Gingrich: No one should underestimate the historic importance of the collapse of American defenses in the Sony Pictures attack.
updated 7:55 AM EST, Wed December 10, 2014
Dean Obeidallah asks how the genuine Stephen Colbert will do, compared to "Stephen Colbert"
updated 12:34 PM EST, Thu December 18, 2014
Some GOP politicians want drug tests for welfare recipients; Eric Liu says bailed-out execs should get equal treatment
updated 8:42 AM EST, Thu December 18, 2014
Louis Perez: Obama introduced a long-absent element of lucidity into U.S. policy on Cuba.
updated 12:40 PM EST, Tue December 16, 2014
The slaughter of more than 130 children by the Pakistani Taliban may prove as pivotal to Pakistan's security policy as the 9/11 attacks were for the U.S., says Peter Bergen.
updated 11:00 AM EST, Wed December 17, 2014
The Internet is an online extension of our own neighborhoods. It's time for us to take their protection just as seriously, says Arun Vishwanath.
updated 4:54 PM EST, Tue December 16, 2014
Gayle Lemmon says we must speak out for the right of children to education -- and peace
updated 5:23 AM EST, Wed December 17, 2014
Russia's economic woes just seem to be getting worse. How will President Vladimir Putin respond? Frida Ghitis gives her take.
updated 1:39 AM EST, Wed December 17, 2014
Australia has generally seen itself as detached from the threat of terrorism. The hostage incident this week may change that, writes Max Barry.
updated 3:20 PM EST, Fri December 12, 2014
Thomas Maier says the trove of letters the Kennedy family has tried to guard from public view gives insight into the Kennedy legacy and the history of era.
updated 9:56 AM EST, Mon December 15, 2014
Will Congress reform the CIA? It's probably best not to expect much from Washington. This is not the 1970s, and the chances for substantive reform are not good.
updated 4:01 PM EST, Mon December 15, 2014
From superstorms to droughts, not a week goes by without a major disruption somewhere in the U.S. But with the right planning, natural disasters don't have to be devastating.
updated 9:53 AM EST, Mon December 15, 2014
Would you rather be sexy or smart? Carol Costello says she hates this dumb question.
updated 5:53 PM EST, Sun December 14, 2014
A story about Pope Francis allegedly saying animals can go to heaven went viral late last week. The problem is that it wasn't true. Heidi Schlumpf looks at the discussion.
updated 10:50 AM EST, Sun December 14, 2014
Democratic leaders should wake up to the reality that the party's path to electoral power runs through the streets, where part of the party's base has been marching for months, says Errol Louis
updated 4:23 PM EST, Sat December 13, 2014
David Gergen: John Brennan deserves a national salute for his efforts to put the report about the CIA in perspective
updated 9:26 AM EST, Fri December 12, 2014
Anwar Sanders says that in some ways, cops and protesters are on the same side
updated 9:39 AM EST, Thu December 11, 2014
A view by Samir Naji, a Yemeni who was accused of serving in Osama bin Laden's security detail and imprisoned for nearly 13 years without charge in Guantanamo Bay
updated 12:38 PM EST, Sun December 14, 2014
S.E. Cupp asks: How much reality do you really want in your escapist TV fare?
updated 1:28 PM EST, Thu December 11, 2014
Rip Rapson says the city's 'Grand Bargain' saved pensions and a world class art collection by pulling varied stakeholders together, setting civic priorities and thinking outside the box
updated 6:10 PM EST, Sat December 13, 2014
Glenn Schwartz says the airing of the company's embarrassing emails might wake us up to the usefulness of talking in-person instead of electronically
updated 5:33 PM EST, Fri December 12, 2014
The computer glitch that disrupted air traffic over the U.K. on Friday was a nuisance, but not dangerous, says Les Abend
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT