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LIVE FROM THE HEADLINES

Interview With Andy Borowitz

Aired June 10, 2003 - 20:52   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: I'm sure former Imclone CEO Sam Waksal isn't seeing much humor where he'll be taking calls the next couple years. He's headed for a seven-year stretch in the big house for his big business sleights of hand. That doesn't keep my next guest from poking fun at the corporate bad boys who trade in their pinstriped suits for just plain old stripes. Humorist Andy Borowitz has a new book out. It's called, "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison."
Andy, it's a great book.

ANDY BOROWITZ, HUMORIST: Thank you.

COOPER: Now, you were down. You saw Sam Waksal today -- or yesterday...

BOROWITZ: Today.

COOPER: Today.

BOROWITZ: They took him down in federal courthouse. So for those viewers, you know, following this at home, the Three of Diamonds is now captured. We can put a big X through that.

COOPER: I don't think we actually caught that on camera.

BOROWITZ: Oh, well...

COOPER: If we could come back to Andy -- he's actually got a little...

BOROWITZ: We do. We do.

COOPER: Here you go.

BOROWITZ: We have the whole deck. The problem with having a deck of CEO cards is that 52 isn't enough. There are just so many of these...

COOPER: Now, you wrote -- did you write this book with vengeance in mind?

BOROWITZ: Well, a little bit. I was actually a Tyco and Enron shareholder, and Worldcom.

COOPER: No!

BOROWITZ: I had the trifecta. Yes, absolutely. My stock picking is unbelievable.

COOPER: Great broker.

BOROWITZ: Yes. (UNINTELLIGIBLE) Yes. Exactly. But like a lot of Americans, you know, I sort of was out for revenge, so that gave birth to "Who Moved My Soap."

COOPER: All right, in it, you give some advice to CEOs who may be spending some time in prison. I want to put one of them on the screen and read it out. It says, "When packing for prison, let me suggest the following step-saver. Make a list of all the things you would like to bring, divide that list into three categories: A, necessities, B, luxury items, C, cigarettes. Now draw a thick black line through every item on that list except for cigarettes, and you're through."

BOROWITZ: That's right. They only let you bring in cigarettes. But I mean, in a way, that's good because in the corporate world, they barely let you smoke anymore. So prison -- in a way, you're stepping up in class a little bit...

COOPER: Now, you...

BOROWITZ: ... since you can smoke everywhere.

COOPER: If Martha Stewart is found guilty and if she is sent to prison, how do you think she would do?

BOROWITZ: Well, I think she has to be careful. I would really urge Martha not to tell her cellmate that horizontal stripes make her look fat, for example. That's a mistake.

COOPER: That would be not a good idea.

BOROWITZ: But I think Martha's already had the worst punishment because she was fingerprinted. And you know, that's asking Martha Stewart to intentionally smudge something. I mean, so that was -- that was not good.

COOPER: That's a difficult thing to do.

BOROWITZ: It is a difficult thing.

COOPER: But you think she's -- she could survive prison? I mean, she's a pretty intense, strong woman.

BOROWITZ: Yes. The question is, will prison survive her? I mean, she's a fairly frightening individual. But I think she'll do fine. I'm not worried about Martha.

COOPER: Some other advice -- you give some terminology in prison. "7-up is a warning that a guard is approaching."

BOROWITZ: Right.

COOPER: "401(K)-up: warning that a former shareholder of yours is approaching."

BOROWITZ: Yes. If I were these guys, Waksal and all these guys -- do not say what company you worked for because there may be some shareholders there who are not going to be happy to see you.

COOPER: Andy Borowitz, the book is "Who Moved My Soap." It's very funny. It's out now.

BOROWITZ: Yes.

COOPER: Right here. Thanks for coming.

BOROWITZ: Go to whomovedmysoap.com.

COOPER: Is there really?

BOROWITZ: There is.

COOPER: All right.

BOROWITZ: Absolutely.

COOPER: Thanks for joining us, as always. It was fun.

BOROWITZ: Thanks a lot, Anderson.

COOPER: All right.

BOROWITZ: Good to see you.

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