On Tuesday President Donald Trump took a break from his summer vacation in New Jersey to deliver remarks on energy in Pennsylvania. The speech was billed as an official White House event, but the actual address was the stuff of a Trump campaign rally. Because, of course. I went through the transcript and pulled out the lines you need to see from the President’s speech. They’re below. 1. “I love the unions and I love the workers and, you know, when I built buildings in New York, I built them exclusively with unions. People don’t understand that. I was exclusive.” Donald Trump and unions went steady. I did not know that! And away we go! 2. “Remember that – and remember that, Pennsylvania – you know, Pennsylvania has the best numbers they’ve ever had in the history of this state, and that’s for a very good reason, and you know what that reason is – hello, here I am.” The unemployment rate in Pennsylvania for June was 3.8%, the lowest it’s been since 1976. That’s good! It’s not the “best numbers they’ve ever had in the history of the state” but it’s good! Also, I am going to start using the phrase “hello, here I am” a lot more often. As in, “Hey kids, there’s a reason you’re here. Hello, here I am!” 3. “This Shell petrol chemical plant in Beaver County, Pennsylvania – I did very well here. We did very well – how many points did we win by? Does anybody know?” Good thing this official White House speech sounds nothing at all like Donald Trump’s stump speech! (Trump won Beaver County, in western Pennsylvania, by 18.5 points in 2016.) 4. “Unlike those big windmills that destroy everybody’s property value, kill all the birds.” Donald Trump vs. the windmill, part 1 billion. 5. “No, we love natural gas, and we love a lot of other things, too.” So true, so true. 6. “I was a good builder. I built good. I loved building.” “I built good.” – The President of the United States 7. “Don’t worry about the rain, umbrellas work very well, especially when they’re made in America.” Information for life! 8. “I love cranes. I love trucks of all types even when I was a little boy at four years old my mother would say, ‘You love trucks.’ “ “I love lamp.” – Brick Tamland 9. “I do. I always loved trucks. I still do. Nothing changes. Sometimes, you know, you might become president but nothing changes.” 10. “We have a lot of road blocks in this country where you have a little claws can stop a project. Little claws can stop it for years. And we break up those little claws, as we break them up fast.” This is a metaphor, I think. 11. “He was tough. He was nasty, man. He was nasty. But then he said I want to do something great and you have been incredible. He ran Texas for like 14 years, and he did it well.” Donald Trump on Rick Perry, his Secretary of Energy. Related: This. 12. “I think we’re looking very good. I think we’re looking good all over: in Ohio, in North Carolina, in South Carolina, Florida. We just got numbers in Florida, we’re looking fantastically good.” This is some official White House speech! It’s unrecognizable from Trump’s campaign rallies, right??? 13. “Today, we have more workers working in the United States that – almost 160 million than at any time in the history of our country. Think of that, that’s a hell of a stat.” It is! Also, true! But somewhat misleading! More people are employed than at any time in our nation’s history, but we also have more people in the country than we’ve ever had before. 14. “It’s probably costing me from $3 to $5 billion for the privilege of being – and I couldn’t care less, I don’t care. You know, if you’re wealthy, it doesn’t matter. I just want to do a great job.” A quick diagramming of the logic in this quote: being President is costing me lots of money and I want you to know that → I don’t care about losing a lot of money even though I just mentioned it → I am wealthy so nothing matters → the key is to do a good job. Yeah, this all checks out. Carry on! 15. “I got sued on a thing called emoluments – emoluments. You ever hear the word – nobody ever heard of it before.” It’s in the Constitution. I mean, who’s ever heard of the Constitution, right? 16. “They went back – now nobody looks at Obama getting $60 million for a book, that’s OK, even though nobody in history ever got that much money for a book. Obama got $60 million – think of it, $60 million for a book. Nobody looks – nobody looks at any – but with me, it’s everything, emoluments.” So. Much. Misinformation. So, the emoluments clause, in short, says that a sitting president can’t receive any benefits – beyond his salary – as a result of his office. Which is why some groups have filed suit against Trump for things like the Trump Hotel in Washington. (Trump recently won a court ruling on the issue.) The emoluments clause does not apply to former presidents – like Obama – because its goal is to ensure that sitting presidents can’t reap personal benefits while in office. As for Obama’s book deal, it was reportedly a $65 million advance for the memoirs of both the former president and former first lady Michelle Obama. 17. “And what it is is presidential harassment because this thing is costing me a fortune and I love it, OK? I love it because I’m making the lives of other people much, much better.” So, it’s not possible Trump could be violating the emoluments clause because a) being president is “costing me a fortune” and b) because he loves being president. Got it! 18. “We’re building a lot of wall.” According to Newsweek, 46.7 miles of border wall have been built since Trump came into office. 19. “If [Democrats] got in, your fracking is gone, your coal is gone, you guys – I don’t know what the hell you’re going to do. You don’t want to make widgets, right? You don’t want to make – do you want to learn how to make a computer, little tiny piece of stuff? You put it with those big beautiful hands of yours, look.” “Big beautiful hands of yours.” – The President of the United States. 20. “Going to take these big hands, he’s going to take this little tiny part. He’s going to go home, ‘Alice, this is a tough job.’ No, you want to make steel and you want to dig coal, and that’s what you want to do.” Big hands, tiny parts. They just don’t go together!!! It’s unnatural!!! 21. “I won that one by 42 points, 42 points, West Virginia.” Very official. Much presidential. 22. “I actually think this time, we have a good chance of winning Virginia, which is a tough one to win because, you know, you have some people there that maybe don’t agree with us, but I think we have a really good chance of Virginia, too, which is something that hasn’t been won by a Republican in a long time.” Prior to Barack Obama’s victory in Virginia in 2008, the last Democrat to win the Commonwealth at the presidential level was Lyndon Johnson. So … Also: This official White House speech is really staying away from campaign politics! 23. “That’s a lot of people back there, for, like, 11 o’clock speech. That’s a lot of people. That’s a lot – it’s like the Academy Awards during the day.” The speech was in the afternoon. Also, Trump never – not ever – doesn’t notice (and point out) just how many members of the media are covering him. Why? Because death for Donald Trump isn’t bad press. It’s no press. 24. “In 2020, we’re running so you’d better get out there and make sure we win.” So much meaty policy in this speech! Lots of official business! Glad taxpayers are footing the bill for it! 25. “I don’t know who’s going to win but we’ll have to hit Pocahontas very hard again if she does win. But she’s staging a little bit of a comeback. What a group, Pocahontas and Sleepy Joe.” Not sure if I’ve mentioned this but here goes: This is supposedly an official White House event. Which means taxpayers are paying for the costs of it, not Trump’s 2020 campaign. Which is weird because, well, the speech is totally and completely political. 26. “Nobody can beat us, nothing can stop us because winning is what Americans do, winning is what we know best.” “If you’re not first, you’re last.” – Ricky Bobby 27. “‘Mr. President, please, for the good of the people of Pennsylvania, stop winning, stop creating all of these jobs, stop creating all of this product. Please, sir, please stop winning.” And I said to them – and I will say to them we’re never going to stop winning because nobody’s ever won like what’s happened over the last couple of years. Nobody’s ever won like you’re winning.” The best winning. So much product. 28. “I’ve more than fulfilled my promises. Even they said he promised things that he actually produced more than he promised, that’s true, but we’re going to produce more and more.” Anyone hungry for a word salad? Given that I’ve fulfilled more promises in this piece than I’ve made, this feel like a good place to end.